[insert witty title here]

Here Is A Video Of A Dog Dancing To ‘Mambo #5′

Fri, 17 May 2013 16:36:02 -0400

Here Is A Video Of A Dog Dancing To ‘Mambo #5′:

It’s Friday and nothing is happening. Here’s a video we made of a dog dancing to “Mambo #5.”

I made this. I don’t know why. I’m sorry.

Glad to see we’re all handling the Angelina Jolie double...

Wed, 15 May 2013 15:01:02 -0400

Glad to see we’re all handling the Angelina Jolie double mastectomy news like mature, well-adjusted human beings and not like total sociopaths.

Selected highlights from the Wikipedia page for Kevin Durant's magic basketball movie, Thunderstruck

Sun, 05 May 2013 18:46:00 -0400

The person who wrote this is an American treasure.

“Brian is a 16-year-old caucasian teenager that lives in Oklahoma. He is mad about basketball.”

“When practicing basketball on his driveway, his sister comes out to film him. He ends up hurting himself and the sister later gave the video to Connor, the star player of the basketball team.”

“Brian says ‘I wish I had your talent’ and Durant replies ‘I wish I could give it to you man, but listen, hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard,’ then there is a surge of energy that goes through the ball.”

“Later that night he goes out to a carnival and after Connor fails to hit shots to win a prize for the new girl, Isabella. He laughs and Connor gives him the ball, saying ‘You try and do better’. Brian then makes the shot and wins a prize which he gives it to Isabella.”

“When Brian goes out to shoot the next morning he is making shots unlike he usually does and even discovers he can dunk. Brian then goes to re try out for the basketball team and after seeing him play they let him on the team. He then films himself and dunking over the hood of a car.”

“When Durant goes to practice his mum comes and dresses like a cheerleader to cheer him on. Brian meets the new girl Isabella at the Go-Kart track and races her.”

“At a pep rally Isabella says that she cannot go out with him as he is too focused on basketball. Brian then sees a poster of Kevin Durant and decided to try and switch it back.”

“While shooting the film, Durant said that the hardest part was not the acting, but rather the fact that he had to miss jump shots on purpose for the film, to indicate that he no longer had the ability to play basketball as well as he used to.”

HOW HAVE I NOT SEEN THIS MOVIE??????

This is a really great place to have sex.

Sun, 05 May 2013 11:41:00 -0400

Grantland’s Alex Pappademas wrote a great piece about Iron Man 3 writer and director Shane Black. Please note this excerpt about the script for Lethal Weapon, which Black wrote when he was 24.

The most compelling character the script introduces is Shane Black, though. He’s a cocky, chatty authorial presence on the page, as in this passage, one of the finest descriptions of a drug lord’s mansion in the history of screenwriting:

EXT. POSH BEVERLY HILLS HOME — TWILIGHT
The kind of house that I’ll buy if this movie is a huge hit. Chrome. Glass. Carved wood. Plus an outdoor solarium: A glass structure, like a greenhouse only there’s a big swimming pool inside. This is a really great place to have sex.

A few years from now, after I’ve made a few hundred million dollars off my idea for Robot Octopus Bartenders (eight arms, think about it), I am going to email that paragraph and the YouTube link to the music video for “Money Ain’t A Thing” to the person I hire to build my mansion.

Hi, Danger - I think you're great. Thanks for all the free entertainment.

Sun, 05 May 2013 10:15:55 -0400

You haven’t been getting the bills?

Well … this is awkward.

Mermaids and Mermen (Merpeople?). Would they be like people on land, at the top of the food chain due to superior intelligence and tools/weapons? Or would they be constantly be under attack by the millions (literally millions) of different terrifying sea creature species?

Sun, 05 May 2013 10:14:31 -0400

Based entirely on The Little Mermaid, which I haven’t seen in like two decades, I’m guessing things would be all hunky-dory until you tried to huck a trident at a shark and missed. Bouncy, steel drum songs about how neat it is to live in the ocean ain’t gonna do you any good when you’re being digested by a great white.

So my fantastic boyfriend stayed up until 4 am last night watching Justified with me. 8 episodes in, it came to light that he didn't know Art's name was Art, and he thought me going on about "art" when he was on-screen was just me accurately describing the man's coolness. We've been dating three months, is it too soon to say "I love you"?

Sun, 05 May 2013 10:05:57 -0400

Well, you could say “I love you” … or you could say this. Same thing, really.

Will you please do a video breakdown for Sabotage? It seems to me like a terrible mistake to have overlooked doing it. I mean, I know it is awesome, rather than wacky like so much of what you breakdown, but I need to see that kind of love given to Sabotage sometime soon. Intergalactic would also be acceptable.

Sun, 05 May 2013 10:05:51 -0400

I wanted to do a music video breakdown on Sabotage, but I realized halfway in that it would just be me saying “THIS IS AWESOME” AND “THIS IS AWESOME, TOO” over and over. True, yes. But not exactly groundbreaking analysis

Asked this a few weeks back, but how lazy is the songwriting on the Chase Freedom Card commercial? Here are the lyrics, in case you forgot: "Been shopping, so smart, cash back with your Freedom card. Gain cash back, on what, close shave and haircut. Fan for the ceiling, you’re gonna cool off that hound. Tonight you gotta get your cash back, on new slacks, freedom on lunch with Jack."

Sun, 05 May 2013 10:05:08 -0400

Well, to be perfectly fair, the lyrics are super-helpful if you happen to be a pantsless, unkempt man with a sweaty dog and a friend named Jack. That’s like 50% of the people who work on the Internet.

CHANGE JOE BIDEN LOOP FROM "COMPUTER VIEWING ONLY" SO I CAN GET TURNT UP WATCHING IT ON MY IPHONE.

Sun, 05 May 2013 10:04:53 -0400

YO I TRIED BUT IT WON’T LET ME PROBABLY BECAUSE IT “MATCHED THIRD PARTY CONTENT” SO MAYBE YELL AT MARK MORRISON INSTEAD?

Relevant:

nickholmes: The Internet - preserving the sanctity of your...

Sat, 04 May 2013 21:13:57 -0400

nickholmes:

The Internet - preserving the sanctity of your childhood.

Oh God.

‘The Walking Dead’ Gets The Bad Lip Reading Treatment

Fri, 03 May 2013 12:11:36 -0400

‘The Walking Dead’ Gets The Bad Lip Reading Treatment:

The geniuses from Bad Lip Reading have finally gotten to “The Walking Dead.”

“I farted on you when you put banana peppers in the Wheaties.”

tympanista: life in the fast lane Sing it, Lee.

Fri, 03 May 2013 09:28:14 -0400

tympanista:

life in the fast lane

Sing it, Lee.

Yes. Hello. Hi.

Wed, 01 May 2013 17:07:23 -0400

Here is the plan, tentatively.

I like answering people’s stupid questions. About whatever. But I always read them when they come in and then forget about them for weeks, because that’s kind of how my brain works and also I don’t have to prove anything to you people so back off. I think structure will help. What I’m thinking is that I’ll try to answer a few every Sunday morning. (NOTE: Does not apply to Mothers Day or days when I am, like, really sleepy.)

So, yeah. Fire away. Or get super drunk and fire away. Those are my favorites.

http://dangerguerrero.tumblr.com/ask

Thank you for your time. I love you all dearly.

I sent my buddy a text the other day that was supposed to say, "drank Manhattan", which auto correct decided to change it to "Frank Manhattan", which is now the best alias ever.

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 13:32:00 -0400

I could tell she was trouble from the moment she walked in. She had that look. A dame who’s up to no good always has that look. Trust me, I seen a million of ‘em. And this one might have been the worst of ‘em all.

“You Frank Manhattan, the private investigator?” she asked, through a cloud of cigarette smoke.

“That’s what it says on the door, don’t it?” I replied.

“I hear you’re good. I need your help.”

Then she started talking. Just as I suspected, the broad’s story was even longer than her legs. Turns out her husband had been the inside man on the bank robbery Tommy the Rhino pulled last week. Supposedly he was into Tommy for ten large thanks to some bad luck with the ponies, and Tommy tightened the screws until he agreed to let them into the vault. Now the husband was missing and his wife was crying in my office. Huh, what else is new? If I had a nickel for every crying wife I seen since I left the force, I’d never have to drink cheap scotch again.

I let her finish her story and thought long and hard about whether I wanted to take the case. Better private eyes than me have ended up on the wrong side of the dirt after crossing Tommy the Rhino. And something about this broad’s story seemed fishy. She played innocent, sure. They all do. But no fancy red dress and sob story could hide the fact that she knew more than she was tellin’ me. Call it a hunch.

But hey, I’m a sucker for a looker. And my alimony ain’t gonna pay itself. Frank Manhattan, P.I. was officially on the case.

Will you be my partner on The Amazing Race?

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 12:05:31 -0400

No I will not. I would be the worst Amazing Race partner for about a million reasons. I will be your partner for bar trivia, though, and we will win, because I always win at bar trivia. Always. I have a drawer full of t-shirts with beer and liquor logos on them to prove it.

Not so much a question, but something I thought you might enjoy. Thanks to a serendipitous combination of insomnia and the internet, I just discovered that "Murder, She Wrote" episodes often had DELIGHTFUL pun-laden titles. Seriously, they're like Nancy Grace hashtags, but from 1984. Examples: "No Laughing Murder," "Doom With A View," "Coal Miner's Slaughter," and my personal favorite, "Corned Beef And Carnage." Do with this information what you will, I hope you enjoy them as much as I have.

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 12:00:44 -0400

This is terrific. You are doing excellent work.

A brief note about Blockbuster

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 17:07:00 -0400

First of all, read this blockquote, then go read Spencer Hall’s entire post about Blockbuster. Do these things immediately.

Blockbuster’s selection made sense only in the sense that there was an alphabetical order, and sections, and then the words on those tapes were arranged in something like alphabetical order. Blockbuster would have one copy of Lawrence of Arabia. They would have 500 fucking copies of The Pelican Brief because Blockbuster either had a sweet deal with the studio on the video release, or because someone seriously overestimated your interest in a middling Grisham thriller.

This bothered me so much I once rented three copies of The Fugitive—three out of roughly seven hundred copies available at once at the Blockbuster on US 19 in Palm Harbor, Florida—just to see if the clerk would even flinch. They did not, and merely noted the $5,000 balance in late fees the family account had on it from the last time we rented Cool Hand Luke. I shot the clerk, and took all three copies home and watched them without remorse. When I finished one, I would go to the next, because the best thing to watch after watching Andrew Davis’s classic take on Dr. Richard Kimble’s story of redemption and survival IS TO WATCH THE FUGITIVE AGAIN.

Here is a true story: One time I rang up something like $50 worth of late fees at Blockbuster on a VHS copy of The Patriot. I talked my way out of this fine by explaining to the clerk that I rented the movie for a party and my idiot friend Sam was supposed to return it, but he totally forgot — Ugh, SAM, am I right? — and I couldn’t do anything about it because I left for a Caribbean cruise the day after the party.

Here are three fun facts about that story:

There was no party. I watched it by myself.
I have never been on a cruise because the ocean is a terrifying blue abyss that is full of monsters.
I have no idiot friend named Sam.

Eat shit, Blockbuster.

uproxx: FYI: Wendy Peffercorn Was On Mad Men Last...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 14:14:50 -0400

uproxx:

FYI: Wendy Peffercorn Was On Mad Men Last Night

Today’s top story.

I went to a bookstore in 2013

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 13:08:00 -0400

I spent a huge chunk of yesterday afternoon in a local Barnes & Noble. Here is my report:

- There was a girl sitting a few tables away from me in the coffee shop who was meeting with her tutor. Today’s lesson: trigonometry. Catching bits and pieces of their conversation — “blah blah sine, something something cosine” — kicked off a three-step process in my brain. First step: PANIC, as I had vivid, crystal-clear flashbacks to my own four-year Shitshow Parade of a high school math career. If it hadn’t been for time honored American traditions like blatant cheating and teachers willing to give C’s instead of D’s if it means avoiding numerous phone calls from furious moms with overinflated senses of their children’s intellect, I never would have made it out alive.

The second step was pure, uncut relief, when I remembered that I am a grownup and I don’t have to give a single Pythagorean shit about math anymore. We don’t make a big enough deal about this. Like, it should be the first step modern mental health professionals use to treat depression. (“Right … but do you still have to do calculus?” “Well, no.” “So is it really that bad?”)

The final step was empathy. This poor girl was meeting with a math tutor on a gorgeous spring Sunday. This is unacceptable. Math is awful and it should not be inflicted on the young and unwilling. If you want to do math, fine. Godspeed. But forcing it on a nation of minors under the guise of self-betterment is essentially systematic child abuse, and I don’t see why we have to stand for it.

- While I was cruising around looking for something to read, I saw a little girl, somewhere between 2 and 6 (I am bad at estimating children’s ages), throwing foreign language books on the floor two at a time as her mother stood 10 feet away in the Study Aids section looking at some sort of standardized test guidebook. I have chosen to believe that the little girl is a tiny hateful xenophobe, and her actions were a form of anti-immigration protest.

- There was an old man in a faded camouflage hoodie who was reading the latest issue of GQ while eating a bowl of soup. Target demo = ACHIEVED.

- One girl was sitting by herself at a table in the coffee shop eating an apple. That’s all she was doing. Not playing with her phone, not reading a book, not flipping through a magazine. Just sitting there, eating an apple, and looking at people. It was terrifying.

- There were two middle-aged women in the children’s section talking about whether the Boston bomber should get the death penalty. This seemed like an odd thing to talk about in an area of the store specifically dedicated to children, but I admittedly did not stick around long enough to hear much of their conversation as I have not shaved in a few days and the resulting pathetic facial hair situation may have led others in the store to become concerned about the creepy, single, sweatpants-wearing adult male lingering around Dr. Seuss books. Nope. Off we go.

All in all it was a pretty fun afternoon, and it made me sad that so many bookstores are closing as Amazon and eBooks corner the market. But I also read Sports Illustrated and like 75% of a book in the coffee shop while drinking a $3.00 ice tea, and then put them both back on the shelf on my way out, so I suppose the main takeaway of my trip is that I’m a math-hating hypocrite who shouldn’t be around children.

THE END.