My Review of 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes'

My Review of ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’

Rise of the Planet of the Apes is an interesting morality tale about the duty we as humans owe to the rest of the planet, specifically relating to our dominion over the animal kingdom. The centerpiece of the film is a sky is falling, worst case scenario depiction of the hazards of pharmaceutical testing — not only as it applies to the imprisoned animals we test on, but also the way mistakes and concerns can be brushed aside by an industry driven more so by potential profits than a desire to heal. Also, and I think the importance of this particular issue cannot be overstated, the film stars Freida Pinto, who is, like, the prettiest, you guys.

I wonder if Freida Pinto would go out with me. I bet she would. She seems really nice. I imagine I’d casually approach her on the street one day and be like “Hey, aren’t you Freida Pinto?” and then I’d say something charming about how I enjoy her work and would love to buy her a drink sometime. We’d have a lovely but brief conversation, and as it ended she’d probably say how sweet I am and tell me to give her assistant my number. I’d assume this was a blowoff and get all bummed, but I’d do it anyway because, hey, why not, right? Months would pass and eventually I’d forget all about it, just going on with my life as it was before our chance encounter. Then one day I’d get a call on my cell phone from a number didn’t recognize.

“Uh, hello?” I’d say.

“Yes, is this Danger Guerrero?”

“Speaking.”

“Danger, it’s Freida… Freida Pinto.”

Freida would then go on to tell me a story of circumstance and fate. It turns out she had really enjoyed our conversation on the street, and she intended to give me a call the next day to meet up for a drink. Unfortunately, her assistant dropped her cell phone in the bathtub that night, causing it to short out and send all her contacts into the great electronic abyss. She’d tell me how for the next three days she went and stood in the exact same spot we met, hoping against hope that maybe I worked or lived nearby and we’d run into each other again. When she didn’t spot me, she had pretty much given up hope. The movie she was filming in my area was wrapping soon, and she’d be heading back to Hollywood. She’d sighed, cursed the heavens (and her assistant) and flew back home, nursing a glass of white wine on the plane and wondering what might have been.

Months later, on the press tour for the movie, while giving her assistant a list of instructions regarding her itinerary, she half-jokingly ended the conversation by saying, “And don’t lose any of that like that guy from Philadelphia’s phone number.”

“What guy from Philadelphia?” a voice had interrupted. It was the cameraman responsible for filming that particular interview.

“Oh, nobody. A few months ago I met this charming guy in Philadelphia, but my assistant lost his number,” Freida replied.

“Brown hair, brown eyes, law school graduate?”

“Yeah, why?” Freida said, clearly intrigued.

“Holy crap. Get the hell outta here.”

The cameraman had turned out to be a college buddy of mine named Dave. Dave explained to her that I’d been going on and on for months about how I met Freida Pinto and had really hit it off with her, but everyone thought I was full of it. He couldn’t believe it was actually true. And Freida couldn’t believe her luck! She asked Dave to give her my number. Straight to her, not to her assistant. She wasn’t taking any more risks. She had immediately rushed off into the hallway and dialed.

After she told me this whole story, we would both sit in amazed silence for what seemed like minutes. Could this really be happening? Does fate exist? Finally, I’d gather up the minimum amount of composure necessary to continue the conversation and ask her where we go from here, but just as I’d open my mouth to speak, Freida would beat me to the punch.

“So, about that drink…”

Wait a second. Where was I? Oh yeah. Anyway, at one point in Rise of the Planet of the Apes a gorilla wrecks the shit out of a helicopter, so you should probably check it out.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: 3 out of 5 stars