My (Mostly) Uninformed Analysis of the Best Picture Race

Due to a number of extenuating circumstances (a busy schedule, the Travel Channel airing marathons of “Man v. Food,” none of the films being part of the Fast & Furious franchise, etc.), I have only seen three of the eight nominees for Best Picture this year. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “Um, aren’t you a little unqualified to break down the race, seeing as you’ve seen less than half the nominated films and appear to be under the assumption that there are eight nominees when there are actually nine?” These are certainly fair points. Luckily, this is the Internet, and I can say pretty much whatever the hell I want. Watch this: nipple. I think you see what I’m getting at. With that in mind, here is my analysis of the race for Best Picture this year. (The films I have seen are marked with an asterisk.)

NOMINEES

The Artist - From an awards perspective, making a silent, black-and-white film about the golden age of cinema is kind of like entering the boxing ring wearing brass knuckles instead of gloves. It’s cheating of the highest order, and I won’t stand for it. Disqualified.

The Descendents - As far as I can tell, this is a movie about George Clooney being sad in Hawaii. I was in Hawaii once and I spent the whole time laying on the beach drinking boat drinks. It was pretty great, and I didn’t even get to be George Clooney while I was doing it. Lighten up, bub.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - I had a writing professor in college who hated adverbs. Hated them. She would take her red pen to every paper I turned in and strike them left and right, adding little notes like “SAY it, don’t DESCRIBE it.” This movie probably made her furious. I like to think she went around town scaling marquees with a bucket of red paint and a roller until they all read Loud and Close.

The Help* - I’m glad we fixed racism. Talk about a bummer.

Hugo - I wish I loved anything as much as Martin Scorsese loves movies. He loves movies so much that he’s started making movies about making movies. It’s only a matter of time until he falls so far down the wormhole that we need to bring in heavy equipment to pull him out of it like those Chilean miners from a few years ago. I miss those guys.

Midnight in Paris* - The key to enjoying this movie is pretending that Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams are playing the same characters they did in Wedding Crashers, and the adjustment from his exciting lifestyle to the day in, day out monotony of a monogamous relationship caused Owen Wilson to have a complete mental breakdown while on vacation. That, or drink a bunch of wine first.

Moneyball* - Call me crazy, but I think it was pretty irresponsible of the Oakland A’s to hire a well-known casino thief to be the general manager of their baseball team. I’m glad it worked out and everything, but I wouldn’t have trusted him.

The Tree of Life - I’ll be honest: I have no idea what this movie is about. Some friends of mine tried to explain it to me once at dinner, but then a waiter walked by with a plate of sizzling fajitas and I promptly checked right out of the conversation. They were all “It’s about life or something” and I spent the whole time wondering whether the fajitas were chicken or steak (OR BOTH) and where our waiter was so I could order some of my own. ADD is a blast.

War Horse - Do you guys think War Horse has a sensitive younger brother named Artist Horse who fled to Canada to avoid being drafted and it made Dad Horse livid (“Dammit, Artist Horse. Why can’t you be more like your brother? You’re a disgrace to the whole Horse family!”), but Mom Horse sends him money that she earns from her secret job cleaning houses while Dad Horse is working at the factory? I bet he does.

WINNER

Based on the above analysis, my Oscar pick for Best Picture is the groundbreaking 1986 Kurt Russell classic Big Trouble in Little China, which I just saw again this morning and have chosen to vote for via write-in ballot. I love that movie.

Enjoy the Oscars, everybody!