[insert witty title here]

Back when I was in college, a bunch of my friends and I used to sit on a bench along the campus’s main walkway between and after classes. While there, we would do the type of stuff that 19-year-olds guys do: look at pretty girls, try to be all sneaky-like about drinking cheap vodka at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, and make fun of each other. Mostly the latter. One day a guy we knew who had made the unfortunate decision to become “the white dude with dreadlocks” — not a particularly close friend, more of an acquaintance — said something incredibly stupid, and one of my friends replied, “Sure thing, Big Mountain.”

I always loved how deep he went for that put-down. Not Bob Marley, not Shaggy. Big Mountain. If any of you know a dipshit white dude with dreadlocks, I can’t recommend strongly enough that you use it. That’s a freebie.