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Hi, I'm Danger Guerrero. I do not understand tumblr.

A Lazy Person’s Guide to Writing a Longread

Do you ever find yourself reading a longform article on the Internet and thinking “You know, I bet I could write something like this. I have stories to tell and/or an interesting life and/or a journalism degree sitting under my pile of employee-issued Starbucks aprons. If only I wasn’t so lazy.” Well, DESPAIR NOT, reader. I have put together this Lazy Person’s Guide to Writing a Longread specifically for you. Follow this structure carefully, and you too can live the glamorous life of a freelance writer in a down economy. Enjoy!

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[This is where you write your intro. Your intro should be made up of simple, descriptive sentences that don’t appear to be going anywhere. If you’re writing a profile of someone, maybe something like “Nick GuyImWritingAbout is sitting alone. He always sit alone. Today he sits alone at wobbly, imitation wood table in the back corner of an upscale downtown coffee shop. The isolation provides him moments of peace that escape him the rest of the day. Blah blah blah.” The important thing is to end with a shocking or jarring final statement. Preferably a sentence like, “Nick GuyImWritingAbout is a hitman,” or something that will make the reader totally shit.]

[You have two options at this point in the story. One is to explain that last sentence a little. You remember, the one it took you an entire paragraph to get to? Yeah, that one. A brief bio of your subject that you will fill in later might be nice, or maybe some short quotes from him that you can mold to tell a story.

Your other option is to take a step back and tell the reader how you found out about your subject, or, even better, tell some seemingly pointless personal story from your youth that is tangentially related to the narrative you are spinning. The nice part about this option is that you can remind the reader that the story is ALL ABOUT YOU and YOUR OPINIONS and your subject is just some loser hitman who probably doesn’t even have an English degree.]

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[Okay, this is where you actually have to lay out your story. Like, facts and stuff. A lot of them. You can still sprinkle in some big words so everyone remembers you are very smart and important, but if you don’t focus and try to lay things out in a semi-organized manner, your editor is going to be pissed. You can just tell the story chronologically. That’s pretty easy.]

[You have to keep doing that for a bunch of paragraphs. If you get bored, maybe write about a lunch or cup of coffee you had with someone involved in the story. REALLY get in there — what you ate, what they ate, what the waitress looked like, what kind of material the booth was made out of, etc. These details have nothing to do with the story, but if you describe your surroundings in rich, flowery language, maybe someone who can help you with your novel will be impressed by it. Focus on what’s important here. I mean, sure the hitman killed some people and whatever, but your coming of age tale of heartbreak and redemption could have a CULTURAL impact. Once you finish it, of course. Which you definitely will once you have a week or so to focus on it. No, not next week. You deserve some time off after this story. You’ll totally get to it, though.]

[More paragraphs about the story. Blah blah blah assassinations blah blah blah Ethiopian prison blah blah blah living on the run from whoever. You get it. When you get near the end, that’s when you bring out the BIG WHOPPING FORTUITOUS CIRCUMSTANCE if you have one. Like maybe Nick received word from his handlers a day earlier that he’s safe now. Either way, just make it melodramatically sad or uplifting. People love that.]

[This is where you wrap things up by returning to the scene you set in your first paragraph, because that is a PROFOUND thing to do. It’s even better if you basically repeat the first sentence at the very end. In our example, this would be something like “Nick GuyImWritingAbout will always be searching for moments of peace. He wants to find them, he just doesn’t know where to look. It’s cliche to say things are ‘ironic,’ but the irony here can not be ignored. A man who spent his life hunting now searches aimlessly. Until that changes, he sits alone.” (NOTE: Sentences like that one about irony being cliche are a nice way to remind the reader that they are a stupid asshole.)]

[This is where you put your coy bio that shows you are HUMBLE and NOT ONE OF THOSE PRETENTIOUS WRITERS. UGH. Something like “Allen YourNameHere is a writer living in New York. His mother thinks he quite handsome,” or “Sally WriterFace is a graduate of FancySchool College and lives in a small apartment with three cats.” Then include your contact info, and wait for the offers to roll in.]

  1. kickyandfun reblogged this from dangerguerrero
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  3. thegrind said: This was awesome.
  4. thegrind reblogged this from dangerguerrero and added:
    awesome. Everyone must read.
  5. footagenotfound said: TL;DR
  6. dangerguerrero posted this