[insert witty title here]

Anonymous asked: I'm sober but I need (want) to know when is it acceptable to eat a hot dog plain?

I’m not exactly sure when people started acting like hot dog consumption was a life and death situation, but it seems incredibly silly to me. Hot dogs are a bunch of garbage meat stuffed inside fake intestines. They are delicious, obviously, but they’re not exactly fine dining. Point being: Put whatever the hell you want on your hot dog — mustard, relish, ketchup, nothing, chili, a second hot dog, whatever — and tell anyone who gives you a hard time about it to go take a flying leap into Foodie Lake.

Unless of course this some sort of euphemism for sex, in which case you (or your partner) should wear a condom or practice some other form of safe sex. It’s 2013.

I am going to answer some of the questions I got last night.

Apologies to your Dashboards.

Here is the plan.

Are you drunk? Are you going to get drunk? Great! Send drunken rambling messages/questions to my Ask Thingy, and I will answer a bunch of them tomorrow. Or not. I have ADD and things get weird sometimes, so I may just watch Game of Thrones a lot instead.

Anonymous asked: I was watching Legally Blonde today, because that is my life now and a was wondering about a few details. Have you addressed this movie's legality before? If so, disregard the rest, but is a first year law student allowed to defend someone in court? Would Chuck walking out of the courtroom upset be allowed to stay on record since he wasn't involved in the case? Are these questions even reasonable? I have a very limited knowledge of actual law, but if you want to go toe to toe on bird law...

Legally Blonde is a 100% accurate depiction of the law school experience.

Anonymous asked: Danger, I have a serious conflict of interest. On one hand, I want to get fit and be in shape and all that nonsense, but on the other hand, I need to drink a bare minimum of a serious quantity of beer to stay sane in law school (sad trombone). As my attorney, what do you advise?

Switch to liquor and drop out of law school.

Australia Seems Cool

From The New Yorker’s profile of Australian mining tycoon Gina Rinehart, one of the richest women in the world:

Australians are not known for their deference to the moneyed. I once worked as a pot washer in a casino restaurant in New South Wales. It was a big kitchen, and the pot washers were at the bottom of the job ladder, below even the dishwashers. And yet we made an excellent wage and, as employees, we had entrée to the casino’s private members’ bar, which was on the top floor. We would troop up there after work, tired and ripe, and throw back pints among what passed for high rollers on that part of the coast. Once or twice, my co-workers spotted the owner of the casino in the members’ bar. They called him a rich bastard, and he, in turn, bought us all drinks.

Also of note: Rinehart’s father once sent her a letter in which he called her a “devious baby elephant.” This comes in at about a 9-9.5 on the Alec Baldwin Rude Thoughtless Little Pig scale.

Ranking The ‘Air Bud’ Films By Plausibility

Anonymous asked: Drugs?

One time in college I ate a pot brownie that was much, much stronger than I expected it to be, and I ended up locking myself in my bedroom, turning off the lights, and watching reruns of “Friends” on mute because I was afraid turning the volume up would alert people to the fact that I was in there, and they would knock on the door and try to talk to me.

So, no. I will pass. Thank you for the offer, though.

Nora Ephron’s Final Act