[insert witty title here]

Anonymous asked: oh daynja, where art thou?

Yo. This is true. Sometimes I go days without signing into Tumblr because I’m too lazy to type in my login info. I should just save it. But then I’d have to scroll all the way up to that button that says “Remember me” or whatever. How can anyone seriously be expected to do all that? There are labor laws that cover this, yes?

diffland asked: Did you feel as bereft as I did after Jerry Orbach died? Still feels strange during the repeats.

Lennie Briscoe and Jack McCoy were a more effective crime-fightng duo than Batman and Robin.

Also, whoever made this is my new favorite person on the Internet.

koloradochick asked: How come you get to watch TV all day and all nite? Is that your job? If that is your job, do you have a dress code? Whats your favorite show? Mine is Tosh.0 do you ever watch that? Have you ever met Brad Pitt?

In order:

1. The Internet is weird.
2. Yes, mostly.
3. I try to wear pants more often than not.
4. Probably Justified.
5. No, because I think Tosh is kind of a wiener.
6. No, but some of my friends met DMX once.

Anonymous asked: That brings me to how mad do you think Amanda Bynes vagina is at her? First of all she wants it to be straight up murdered but I'd be more offended by the fact it'd be by DRAKE. Really? Drake is who you pick? YOLO GUY? I'd want my vagina murdered by Keith Sweat or that guy with the really deep bass voice from Boyz II Men. Speaking of great 90s songs they need to make more songs like TLC's Red Light Special. Not enough girls have actual orgasms on the track anymore. Make it happen Obama. The end.

So this is the fifth part of a five-part rambling question, most of which dealt with the nature of Twitter and how easily it can turn you into a weird, awful person. Concur. But for the sake of brevity I will only address this last entry, specifically the Amanda Bynes thing.

Here is a fun game I have been playing lately: Take her “I want Drake to murder my vagina” tweet, and turn it into a MadLib.

“I want [celebrity] to murder my [body part]” - [Second celebrity]

Some examples:

• “I want Kathie Lee Gifford to murder my penis.” - Frankie Muniz
• “I want Harrison Ford to murder my love handles.” - Jim Belushi
• “I want Beyonce to murder my delicious flesh.” - The pig from Babe

And so on. You get the idea.

Anonymous asked: Did you cry during the Parks and Rec wedding episode? I usually think pretty secure in my manliness but I cried like a 10 year old girl and haven't admitted it to anyone.

I did, and anyone who didn’t is probably a disturbingly human-like robot and should be viewed with suspicion. The uprising is coming. This is how we can sniff them out.

Anonymous asked: Hey DG, @Deanosaurian here. My question is: do you think the Fast and Furious franchise will develop time-travel technology? I bet they build a rad V12 450zx Twin-charged Turbo Lightning Cobra with, like, 20,000 levels of torque (I do not know a lot about cars). And the key is that it only works if the car goes 88mph WHILE IN FREE FALL! Forget pulling a car with horses, forget pushing it with trains, this ain't your dad's time machine! Anyway, thanks for requesting that I be drunk. I needed it.

I am completely serious when I say that I expect the Fast and Furious franchise to end up in space one day. Maybe not time-travel, but definitely space.

Anonymous asked: I have already asked you this on twitter, but wanted to see what you would do with the chance to elaborate. So, The Rock has that commercial where he has to put off saving the world until he can track down some milk. If you could be in a commercial about a breakfast food, what's the food and what's the plot? Your original answer was: "Breakfast sandwiches, and the plot is that I eat a lot of breakfast sandwiches."

I stand by my original answer.

Anonymous asked: I'm sober but I need (want) to know when is it acceptable to eat a hot dog plain?

I’m not exactly sure when people started acting like hot dog consumption was a life and death situation, but it seems incredibly silly to me. Hot dogs are a bunch of garbage meat stuffed inside fake intestines. They are delicious, obviously, but they’re not exactly fine dining. Point being: Put whatever the hell you want on your hot dog — mustard, relish, ketchup, nothing, chili, a second hot dog, whatever — and tell anyone who gives you a hard time about it to go take a flying leap into Foodie Lake.

Unless of course this some sort of euphemism for sex, in which case you (or your partner) should wear a condom or practice some other form of safe sex. It’s 2013.