[insert witty title here]

Hi, I'm Danger Guerrero. I do not understand tumblr.

About That Prince-Loving Elvis Impersonator Who Got Framed For Trying To Assassinate The President

GQ’s Wells Tower wrote one of my favorites pieces of the year back in February, and now he’s back with another longform masterpiece. Remember the story about the Prince superfan slash Elvis impersonator who was accused of mailing a ricin-covered letter to the president, only to be cleared when authorities figured out he was framed by a Tae Kwon Do instructor slash Mensa member? I don’t see how you could forget. Anyway, Tower gets the whole, nutty story, and in the process introduces us to a mutual enemy the two have: a cuss-loving funeral home director slash state representative — everyone in this story is at least two things, apparently — named Steve Holland.

Not long after Dutschke and Curtis’s unfriendly introduction in 2006, Dutschke mounted a campaign for state House district sixteen, against long-term Democratic incumbent Steve Holland. By all accounts, Dutschke’s PR strategy was little more than a public display of bitter, empty vitriol—its rhetoric revolving around comparisons of Steve Holland to Boss Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard and suggestions that the 9/11 hijackers were Holland’s friends. Why Dutschke loathed Steve Holland so hotly is not clear.

“I had never stood eyeball to eyeball or dick to dick with the man, but for some reason he just hated the hell out of me,” says Holland, a gloriously profane and paradoxically genteel man of 58. “He called me everything from gay to communist. Everything but a child of God. I mean, he had no campaign or agenda except to cut my nuts out…. But you got to get your ass up early and go to bed late to beat my ass. I’ve held this seat for thirty years. I can absolutely make love to a bull moose on the steps of the Lee County courthouse and garner more than 5 percent of the vote.”

Highly recommended.

Seems legit. I vote we try it.

Seems legit. I vote we try it.

Seth's Internet: I explain the @Horse_ebooks story to my mom

sethrosenthal:

A conversation on iChat, beginning at 11:52 AM on September 24, 2013:

——————————————————————————————————————————

a weird thing happened on the internet today and i was thinking it’d be fun to try and explain it to you and publish our conversation


yes?


would you be willing to participate?

You. Read. Now.

synecdoche:

how is this less suspicious than sitting at the same table 

Waitress #1: What’s going on over there?
Waitress #2: Looks like a secret meeting.
Waitress #1: Thought so.

synecdoche:

how is this less suspicious than sitting at the same table 

Waitress #1: What’s going on over there?

Waitress #2: Looks like a secret meeting.

Waitress #1: Thought so.

This clip of Eddie Murphy and Dick Cavett together on Letterman’s old NBC show is terrific.

Please especially note the 5:35 mark, when Letterman interrupts Cavett’s story about hanging out with Murphy for clarification on a term, at which point Cavett dryly replies “Oh, you don’t know negro talk?” and Murphy begins WAILING with laughter.

Anyway, I am now fascinated by the Murphy/Cavett friendship.

Anonymous asked: You have two slices of pizza - one 20% wider than the other. Which do you eat first - smaller or larger?

You could do a hell of a lot worse than “Always eat the bigger slice of pizza first” as your guiding philosophy in life. It’s like “seize the day,” but with pizza. Carpe pizza, if you will.

Insomniac Movie Pitches

Last night at 1:30 a.m. I pitched a movie about a machine-gun-toting, vengeance-seeking elephant named Peanut.

Here it is. The greatest book ever.

Please read the Amazon description of Big Apple Takedown:

December 2001: Vince McMahon steps out of a snowy night into a diner in upstate New York for a meeting with old friend Phil Thomson, now a highly placed government official. Thomson has a strange proposition: creating a new covert black-ops group using the Superstars of World Wrestling Entertainment. The WWE’s talented men and women are perfect. Highly skilled athletes with the ideal cover, they travel all across the country and the globe; no one would find it unusual to find them in a town one day and gone the next. The government would train and support the wrestlers in every way possible except one: no one must know the truth.

March 2006: The Superstars have been handed their latest assignment — take down a commercial-grade methyl-amphetamine plant that is bankrolling terrorist activities in Europe. Their mission seems simple and straightforward, until a member of their team is taken prisoner. Now all that they’ve worked so hard for is in jeopardy, and one of their own might be killed…

Kickstarter: Help me purchase the rights to this book and fund a movie that I will write and direct. I’m begging you.

(via @BrianPickett)

ifc:

As The New York Times describes it, “The Spoils of Babylon is a six-part series… about a wealthy oil family that will spoof, in over-the-top fashion, the mini-series like ‘Roots’ and ‘The Winds of War’ that were mainstays of the broadcast networks in the 1970s and 1980s.” Jonrosh’s century-spanning saga, chronicles the sexy and dramatic lives of the Morehouses, led by Jonas Morehouse (Tim Robbins), his daughter Cynthia (Kristen Wiig) and her adopted brother Devon (Tobey Maguire) who made their fortune in the oil business.

The epic six part series begins on IFC in early 2014. Get yourself ready.

Will Ferrell and Adam McKay are heroes.

globochem:

Can’t beliebe this happened on Breaking Bad. Whoops, sorry, spoiler alert. 

<3 <3 <3

Here is a picture I drew of a very cool turtle riding his skateboard at the beach.

Here is a picture I drew of a very cool turtle riding his skateboard at the beach.

Still one of the best comedy sketches ever.