You people all realize that like 20-30 years from now Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are going to pop up in a soda commercial and it is going to be so depressing that everyone will kill themselves on the spot and that is how the human race will end, right?
Probably hooey, as in “That’s a load of hooey.” We aren’t using that word enough these days.
Also, try substituting “horseshit” for “bullshit” every now and then. Nice change of pace.
I bet the dudes on Maury spend WEEKS practicing their “Not the father” dances. I picture them in front of a full-length mirror mumbling “You are NOT the father” in their best Maury voice, then trying out a few moves to find the right fit.
Related: I bet there are dudes who had prepared a really amazing dance for the big moment, only to find out they were the father and would never get to do it. I imagine they are filled with regret about this.
“Hi, kids. Tyrese here. Can you find my sleeves? Sleeves. Do you see them? Where are my sleeves? TRICK QUESTION.”
[kisses fingers, winks at camera]
It’s Friday and nothing is happening. Here’s a video we made of a dog dancing to “Mambo #5.”
I made this. I don’t know why. I’m sorry.
(Source: uproxx)
Glad to see we’re all handling the Angelina Jolie double mastectomy news like mature, well-adjusted human beings and not like total sociopaths.
The person who wrote this is an American treasure.
“Brian is a 16-year-old caucasian teenager that lives in Oklahoma. He is mad about basketball.”
“When practicing basketball on his driveway, his sister comes out to film him. He ends up hurting himself and the sister later gave the video to Connor, the star player of the basketball team.”
“Brian says ‘I wish I had your talent’ and Durant replies ‘I wish I could give it to you man, but listen, hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard,’ then there is a surge of energy that goes through the ball.”
“Later that night he goes out to a carnival and after Connor fails to hit shots to win a prize for the new girl, Isabella. He laughs and Connor gives him the ball, saying ‘You try and do better’. Brian then makes the shot and wins a prize which he gives it to Isabella.”
“When Brian goes out to shoot the next morning he is making shots unlike he usually does and even discovers he can dunk. Brian then goes to re try out for the basketball team and after seeing him play they let him on the team. He then films himself and dunking over the hood of a car.”
“When Durant goes to practice his mum comes and dresses like a cheerleader to cheer him on. Brian meets the new girl Isabella at the Go-Kart track and races her.”
“At a pep rally Isabella says that she cannot go out with him as he is too focused on basketball. Brian then sees a poster of Kevin Durant and decided to try and switch it back.”
“While shooting the film, Durant said that the hardest part was not the acting, but rather the fact that he had to miss jump shots on purpose for the film, to indicate that he no longer had the ability to play basketball as well as he used to.”
HOW HAVE I NOT SEEN THIS MOVIE??????
Grantland’s Alex Pappademas wrote a great piece about Iron Man 3 writer and director Shane Black. Please note this excerpt about the script for Lethal Weapon, which Black wrote when he was 24.
The most compelling character the script introduces is Shane Black, though. He’s a cocky, chatty authorial presence on the page, as in this passage, one of the finest descriptions of a drug lord’s mansion in the history of screenwriting:
EXT. POSH BEVERLY HILLS HOME — TWILIGHT
The kind of house that I’ll buy if this movie is a huge hit. Chrome. Glass. Carved wood. Plus an outdoor solarium: A glass structure, like a greenhouse only there’s a big swimming pool inside. This is a really great place to have sex.
A few years from now, after I’ve made a few hundred million dollars off my idea for Robot Octopus Bartenders (eight arms, think about it), I am going to email that paragraph and the YouTube link to the music video for “Money Ain’t A Thing” to the person I hire to build my mansion.
You haven’t been getting the bills?
Well … this is awkward.
Based entirely on The Little Mermaid, which I haven’t seen in like two decades, I’m guessing things would be all hunky-dory until you tried to huck a trident at a shark and missed. Bouncy, steel drum songs about how neat it is to live in the ocean ain’t gonna do you any good when you’re being digested by a great white.
