[insert witty title here]

Hi, I'm Danger Guerrero. I do not understand tumblr.

Anonymous asked: How long does it take you to write your posts? I like to picture you writing by candlelight at 3am trying to figure out the ending of a post about a pineapple becoming NFL commissioner.

Preliminary note: Writers writing about writing is the third most insufferable thing possible, behind only (2) stories about bad beats in poker or fantasy football, and (1) writers complaining about the state of media, so please just skip over this. Don’t read it. I can’t stress this enough.

The short answer is that it depends. A quickie, 200-word post accompanying some dumb video can take like 10-20 minutes, total. A longer one, like my 2500-word, GIF-heavy recap of the Korean baseball movie Mr. Go, can take hours over multiple sittings.

The post you mentioned, where I proposed that we replace Roger Goodell with a pineapple in a top hat, probably took me about 30-45 minutes to write, but by the time I actually sat down to write it I already had most of the beats worked out in my head. Stuff’s always floating around up there in various stages of completion. Sometimes it’s just a matter of dumping it into a draft and sanding down the rough edges.

Okay, the end.

Anonymous asked: 1.) What do you recommend when you feel a cold coming on? 2.) There is a gross jellyfish named the "Pink Sea-Through Fantasia" which sounds like a Victoria's Secret swimsuit line. Do you agree that this is very wrong? 3.) What are the best websites?

1) Drinking tea, taking a medically inadvisable amount of decongestants, and whining a lot has always worked for me.

2) I would have liked to be in the room when the scientist who discovered the Pink See-Through Fantasia explained it to his colleagues.

SCIENTIST: [very dramatically] … and I call it…. the Pink See-Through Fantasia!

OTHER SCIENTIST: …

THIRD SCIENTIST: Jesus Christ, Carl.

3) The Boy Meets World Illuminati Tumblr is the best website.

Anonymous asked: You think Steve Zahn will ever end up in a USA show? Dan.

We will all end up in a USA show sooner or later, Dan. Each and every one of us, including Steve Zahn.

Anonymous asked: Looks less like unauthorized Lifetime movie subject: 4'9" "Zach Morris" or [uhhh] "Brittany Murphy"?

The Zack Morris one is more incredible by far because Lifetime made a BIG HONKING DEAL about the fact that they got the original casting director for the show to cast the movie. Like, that was one of their major selling points. I still can’t believe that movie happened.

Oh, and speaking of garbage heap Lifetime movies, we’re all aware there’s a Grumpy Cat Christmas movie on the way, yes? I will have plenty to say about this once my brain stops spinning around like a Tilt-A-Whirl inside my skull.

Anonymous asked: If you got together all the "famous" saxophonists, like Epic Sax Guy and whoever played sax on all the Billy Joel songs, and forced them into a massive cage fight, who'd survive?

I bet Kenny G is a wild man. You would be unwise to underestimate him in a cage fight. He strikes me as the kind of guy who would smuggle in a razor blade inside his scrunchie.

Anonymous asked: Danger, how are you doing, champ? You wanna go get ice cream or somethin'? My treat.

Doing pretty great. Just wrote 2500 words about a movie where a gorilla hits home runs. Livin’ the dream over here.

Ice cream sounds wonderful. Grab me two scoops of chocolate and ask them to keep it in the freezer for me. Be there in 10, max.

The Most Franklin & Bash Easter Egg Ever

Last night on Franklin & Bash, the guys tried to pull some strings to get their fire marshal buddy to allow an extra table for one at a fancy restaurant that was booked solid a full six months out. (Because of baseball. And an areola specialist plastic surgeon. And mounting debt due to their well-hung sex addict boss being suspended for embezzling funds. It made sense. Kind of.)

Anyway, this “pretty please just let them add one more person” thing was also notable because of this sign in the kitchen earlier in the episode…

image

Nice.

How To Have Fun And/Or End Up On A Government Watchlist In Five Easy Steps

STEP 1

Buy flash drives. As many as your personal budget for stupid hijinks will allow. Quality and storage size don’t matter. Go to Amazon, type in “flash drives,” sort by Price: Low to High, and select the cheapest one that would still be identifiable to an Average Joe as an electronic storage device. Preferably black or silver.

STEP 2

Set up a burner email account. Just make it a string of random letters and numbers @ whichever email service you prefer.

STEP 3

Put three files on each flash drive: 1) A spreadsheet filled with dollar amounts and names of famous works of art; 2) A document with pages and pages of nonsense, compiled in a way that makes it look like it might be a code, and; 3) A document titled “IMPORTANT” that contains the words “THE SWEDE” and that burner email address you just set up.

STEP 4

Go out the next day and litter the city with your mysterious flash drives. Leave them everywhere: public parks, under bus seats, taped to the leg of a chair in a popular coffee shop, wherever. Any high-traffic area will do. For a few of them, walk up to a stranger on the sidewalk and slip one into their hand while whispering “Reply within 72 hours if you’re in.” If you really want to get creative, right after you hand them the flash drive, pull out an old flip phone you haven’t used in years and say “The package has been delivered” into it before snapping it in half and tossing the pieces into two separate trash cans as you scurry off. Have some fun. Make a day of it.

STEP 5

Log in to that burner email account every couple weeks to see if anyone contacted you. Check Reddit, too, to see if someone went on there to tell the story. You’ll probably never hear from anyone, but if you do, and it’s not a stern FBI agent who has some very serious questions he’d like to ask you in a windowless room, hoo boy, will that ever make your day.

Quick story:

This happened. Technology is amazing.

The end.

… And I’ll Take With Me The Memories, To Be My Sunshine After The Rain

Here is an email that was forwarded to me by my editor last night:

Hi,
Reaching out to see if you would be interested in interviewing Boyz II Men tomorrow.

Let me know ASAP if you’re interested.

WHAT HELLO YES HI HELLO I AM INTERESTED IN INTERVIEWING BOYZ II MEN BY PHONE WHERE DO I GO WHO DO I SEE YES HELLO HI.

Unfortunately, the only time available for said interview conflicted with other things I had going on this morning, none of which could be moved at the last minute. I missed a chance to interview Boyz II Men. I was going to ask them so many questions. This is terrible. I’m going back to bed. See you sometime next week.

A Very Normal and Non-Troubling Conversation I Had With a Nurse at My Doctor’s Office

NURSE: … but you’re still young. We’re gonna try to keep you around for a while.

ME: Well, that’s good.

NURSE: But some of these old people that come in here gotta go.

ME: …

NURSE: Don’t get me wrong. I’m a medical health professional. I’ll give anyone quality care. But some of these old people, I’m telling you… [makes what I can only describe as a kaput gesture with her hands]

ME: …

NURSE: They gotta go.