[insert witty title here]

Hi, I'm Danger Guerrero. I do not understand tumblr.
Honestly, I’m more confused about the Temple sweatshirt than I am about the parrot.

Honestly, I’m more confused about the Temple sweatshirt than I am about the parrot.

Anonymous asked: Andre 3000 and Big Boi go around the country, Scooby-Doo style, solving mysteries. The catch? They don't know their TV show is scripted.

Yes. Greenlight. 250 episodes.

They’ll be so confused when the Harlem Globetrotters show up.

If the Internet annoys you try using the Internet differently

If you’re the type of person who spends a lot of time — and I would describe “a lot of time” as, like, five minutes a week — getting upset and/or complaining about things that happen or exist on the Internet, allow me to make a simple suggestion that could save you and those around you a number of headaches going forward: try changing the way you use the Internet.

I can’t stress this enough. It really is that simple. I know because I did it recently. Do you dislike the content and/or tone on certain popular websites? Stop going to them and fill your RSS feed and bookmarks with whatever exactly it is that suits your fancy. Do you hate that every site posts the same story within 10 minutes of each other and it clogs up your feed or timeline? Cut a few of those sites out of your life. Do you get upset about everyone on Twitter making the same joke and/or live-tweeting something you don’t care about? Unfollow people. Or mute them. Or mute the word or phrase that’s driving you up a tree. You have options.

(Quick note on Twitter muting: Do you mute? My God, it is wonderful. I, too, am easily annoyed by people and things that are not worth getting annoyed about. Muting has been a gift from the heavens. Tweetbot for iPhone even gives you set time periods for muting — one day, one week, or one month. I use these ALL THE TIME, sometimes on people or websites I love dearly, just because I can feel myself needing a brief, non-permanent break from them. Use the mute feature. I don’t even care if you mute me. Your mental health is what’s important here.)

The Internet is a big place, man. There are so many websites and people out there. Find the stuff you like. There’s plenty of shit in the world to go be miserable about, but this, this you can fix. It ain’t hard, either. I bet you can dramatically improve your Internet experience in under 50 clicks. Watch this. Go find the profile of a Twitter user you secretly hate but follow for work/personal reasons. Right now. You there? Great. Open settings and click “Mute user.” (Or ‘Mute forever” if you use Tweetbot, which is even more satisfying, because “forever.”) THEY WON’T EVEN KNOW. THAT IDIOT. AHAHAHA.

What was that, five clicks? And you feel better now, right? See how easy that was? Boom, 45 clicks left. Go nuts.

Now, this won’t solve all your problems. Sometimes the Internet does suck, hard, as anyone who has been actively trolled by a wave of monsters can attest. But it’s a start. And no one gives a shit about your 140-character dismissive wanking directed at whatever the hell anyway, especially if that’s most of what you do online. It gets to a more general point: Don’t be Always Complains Guy. Always Complains Guy is the worst. Be Fixes Shit And Has Answers Guy, instead. People love Fixes Shit And Has Answers Guy.

In conclusion, yes I do see the irony in telling people to use the Internet differently in a post about how you should spend less time complaining about how other people use the Internet, but IT’S DIFFERENT WHEN I DO IT SO SHUT UP.

Anonymous asked: How long does it take you to write your posts? I like to picture you writing by candlelight at 3am trying to figure out the ending of a post about a pineapple becoming NFL commissioner.

Preliminary note: Writers writing about writing is the third most insufferable thing possible, behind only (2) stories about bad beats in poker or fantasy football, and (1) writers complaining about the state of media, so please just skip over this. Don’t read it.

The short answer is that it depends. A quickie, 200-word post accompanying some dumb video can take like 10-20 minutes, total. A longer one, like my 2500-word, GIF-heavy recap of the Korean baseball movie Mr. Go, can take hours over multiple sittings.

The post you mentioned, where I proposed that we replace Roger Goodell with a pineapple in a top hat, probably took me about 30-45 minutes to write, but by the time I actually sat down to write it I already had most of the beats worked out in my head. Stuff’s always floating around up there in various stages of completion. Sometimes it’s just a matter of dumping it into a draft and sanding down the rough edges.

Okay, the end.

Anonymous asked: 1.) What do you recommend when you feel a cold coming on? 2.) There is a gross jellyfish named the "Pink Sea-Through Fantasia" which sounds like a Victoria's Secret swimsuit line. Do you agree that this is very wrong? 3.) What are the best websites?

1) Drinking tea, taking a medically inadvisable amount of decongestants, and whining a lot has always worked for me.

2) I would have liked to be in the room when the scientist who discovered the Pink See-Through Fantasia explained it to his colleagues.

SCIENTIST: [very dramatically] … and I call it…. the Pink See-Through Fantasia!

OTHER SCIENTIST: …

THIRD SCIENTIST: Jesus Christ, Carl.

3) The Boy Meets World Illuminati Tumblr is the best website.

Anonymous asked: You think Steve Zahn will ever end up in a USA show? Dan.

We will all end up in a USA show sooner or later, Dan. Each and every one of us, including Steve Zahn.

Anonymous asked: Looks less like unauthorized Lifetime movie subject: 4'9" "Zach Morris" or [uhhh] "Brittany Murphy"?

The Zack Morris one is more incredible by far because Lifetime made a BIG HONKING DEAL about the fact that they got the original casting director for the show to cast the movie. Like, that was one of their major selling points. I still can’t believe that movie happened.

Oh, and speaking of garbage heap Lifetime movies, we’re all aware there’s a Grumpy Cat Christmas movie on the way, yes? I will have plenty to say about this once my brain stops spinning around like a Tilt-A-Whirl inside my skull.

Anonymous asked: If you got together all the "famous" saxophonists, like Epic Sax Guy and whoever played sax on all the Billy Joel songs, and forced them into a massive cage fight, who'd survive?

I bet Kenny G is a wild man. You would be unwise to underestimate him in a cage fight. He strikes me as the kind of guy who would smuggle in a razor blade inside his scrunchie.

Anonymous asked: Danger, how are you doing, champ? You wanna go get ice cream or somethin'? My treat.

Doing pretty great. Just wrote 2500 words about a movie where a gorilla hits home runs. Livin’ the dream over here.

Ice cream sounds wonderful. Grab me two scoops of chocolate and ask them to keep it in the freezer for me. Be there in 10, max.

The Most Franklin & Bash Easter Egg Ever

Last night on Franklin & Bash, the guys tried to pull some strings to get their fire marshal buddy to allow an extra table for one at a fancy restaurant that was booked solid a full six months out. (Because of baseball. And an areola specialist plastic surgeon. And mounting debt due to their well-hung sex addict boss being suspended for embezzling funds. It made sense. Kind of.)

Anyway, this “pretty please just let them add one more person” thing was also notable because of this sign in the kitchen earlier in the episode…

image

Nice.

How To Have Fun And/Or End Up On A Government Watchlist In Five Easy Steps

STEP 1

Buy flash drives. As many as your personal budget for stupid hijinks will allow. Quality and storage size don’t matter. Go to Amazon, type in “flash drives,” sort by Price: Low to High, and select the cheapest one that would still be identifiable to an Average Joe as an electronic storage device. Preferably black or silver.

STEP 2

Set up a burner email account. Just make it a string of random letters and numbers @ whichever email service you prefer.

STEP 3

Put three files on each flash drive: 1) A spreadsheet filled with dollar amounts and names of famous works of art; 2) A document with pages and pages of nonsense, compiled in a way that makes it look like it might be a code, and; 3) A document titled “IMPORTANT” that contains the words “THE SWEDE” and that burner email address you just set up.

STEP 4

Go out the next day and litter the city with your mysterious flash drives. Leave them everywhere: public parks, under bus seats, taped to the leg of a chair in a popular coffee shop, wherever. Any high-traffic area will do. For a few of them, walk up to a stranger on the sidewalk and slip one into their hand while whispering “Reply within 72 hours if you’re in.” If you really want to get creative, right after you hand them the flash drive, pull out an old flip phone you haven’t used in years and say “The package has been delivered” into it before snapping it in half and tossing the pieces into two separate trash cans as you scurry off. Have some fun. Make a day of it.

STEP 5

Log in to that burner email account every couple weeks to see if anyone contacted you. Check Reddit, too, to see if someone went on there to tell the story. You’ll probably never hear from anyone, but if you do, and it’s not a stern FBI agent who has some very serious questions he’d like to ask you in a windowless room, hoo boy, will that ever make your day.

Quick story:

This happened. Technology is amazing.

The end.